Party Boy to Monk

After the Monk told us he used to be a "party boy", he described his journey to "Monk-dom". This started with a vision and a sense of calling. A recognition of the false promise of material goods, and the virtuous life of meditation. He was young, with more energy than the older monks, but the tell-tale smile of someone who is at peace and finds humor in the little ironies of life. While he wasn't quite my style, he was a refreshing change from the other older monks.

 

Party Boy

     As I waited for meditation to start, I realized the leader was always present. She was never sick. I had heard some tangential comments about meditation reducing your chance of being sick, but this sounded like more of the special powers monks held. It turns out there may be some scientific evidence. Since meditation reduces stress, and stress hormones are linked to your body's immune system, there is a correlation between the two. Who knew?
      Next the leader informed us that a new venerable would begin guiding us in meditation. When he walked down and bowed to the buddha, I was shocked to see how young he looked. He turned to face us, and began to tell the story of how he had become a Monk. "I was a party boy," he started. "Hmm, this should be interesting," I thought.

 

The leader

             Note: Not the actual leader.

             The leader was young and passionate about meditation. She often told stories about her life before meditation and her difficulty early on when she couldn't still her mind for more than a few minutes. Now she was trying to meet the 5 precepts at a minimum if not more. And she had opened her mind to the possibilities of alternate realms. Still she was very good about reminding the group that meditation was not meant to replace our own religious beliefs. 

Join

    

     Over time I tentatively talked with a few friends about my new activitiy. Testing the waters. For the most part, people were receptive and sounded interested in giving it a try. My kids on the other hand branded me a "hippie" and rolled their eyes. I did get one couple to join for a class. It was also my first class where the instructor called on me to describe my meditation technique or experience. I was excited to talk, but for some reason I decided to focus on pain and difficulty. The trouble focusing the mind, my aching limbs in the half lotus position. Luckily I snapped out of it and mentioned that these go away, "it gets easier," and topped it off with a note about how group meditation was so much better than trying to go it alone. Not yet the spokesman for the group.

The meditation crowd

          You know someone is dedicated when they choose to come to class and meditate on their birthday.  I didn't ask why she chose to come, but she seemed in high spirits and excited to meditate. Apparently a lot of other people decided to meditate on this day. The class was double its normal size. The core group represented well, along with returning old members and a  lot of "first timers" and yoga girls. The class was noisy, hot and in my opinion not very conducive to meditation. I chided myself for such negative thoughts. I had formed an opinion that meditation was good for anyone (assuming we left out the reincarnation topics) and yet here I was complaining about too many people. Obviously I needed to work on my level of meditation to eliminate such thoughts. Maybe next time.

 

Coming and Going

Over time I had noticed some interesting trends. There was a core group, me included, who were regulars, and then there were a variety of visitors. Visitors seemed to fall in three camps. Past group members, who got a big greeting from the leader, a mixture of the curious who lasted one or two sessions and were never seen again, and yoga girls. The last group I found interesting. Young, eager, and wearing yoga outfits, they came because meditation was a part of their yoga routine and wanted to experience more of the meditation aspect. While they always said they were glad they came, they never lasted more than two sessions and then we never saw them again. Still, there was always a steady stream.

Movies

Over time I realized that certain movies captured my thoughts on meditation. In the beginning it reminded me of "The Matrix". The concept that what we thought was real, was an illusion. "Do you want to take the one pill to keep the illusion, or the other pill to see the reality."  Stilling the mind, you realize all the constructs you have in place, which initially you assume are requirements, but later discover are non-essential. Later my thoughts shifted to movies like” Altered States” or  “Somewhere in Time.”  While I didn’t believe the idea that we could visit past lives or alternate realms while in a deep meditation, most of the class discussion was beginning to center around these experiences from other Monks.

Group Discussion

     

      On a few occasions there were group discussions at the end of class. We talked about the 5 precepts and the difficulty I had with the one about intoxicants. "I get why this interferes with meditation, and I never have a beer on the nights I come to meditate, but this is a hard one to follow", I said. The leader went on to talk about how drinking was all peer pressure. "No one drinks if they are by themselves", she said. "I beg to differ", I responded, and the group laughed.
      Next the discussion drifted into the power of meditation, or lack thereof in a large group. One of the abbots in a video had implied that natural disasters occurred when a deficit of merit existed in a certain region, or a group of people had very negative thoughts. "Really?!", I responded. "I'm not buying that." The conversation then erupted into a cacophony of varying opinions. Somehow the conversation turned to Stephen Hawking, I'm not sure how, and then came to a close. I may not have agreed with everything being said, but at least the debate was fun.

Flash

   It's another new venerable tonight. They all have their own way of conducting the class, but there is usually an introduction, then guided meditation, and silent meditation, followed by either questions or a lecture. We seem to have a small group of regulars now. Perhaps 10 people come weekly, with an additional 5 to 10 floaters and new attendees.
     This time, as I finally got into a deeper meditation, I saw a flash of light. Uhgg, there goes the leader taking pictures again. But it wasn't. Finally, I had experienced a brief flash of light, like the first time, but not nearly as joyous or as long. Still, I was grateful for the moment, since this implied I had achieved a deeper than usual meditative state and it had been a long time since my first experience.

Monks who set themselves on fire

When this question  came up, the dilemma was clear. OK, killing is bad, killing a monk is really bad, but what about a monk committing suicide? This was tricky ground. The obvious answer was that this was not good behavior. Perhaps setting yourself on fire as a protest was a bit better, than for no reason at all, but still not in alignment with the 5 precepts.
    Related to monks setting themselves on fire, there was a video narrated by a professor in which he described a monk who was in such a deep meditation he set himself on fire in the half-lotus position and held the position until he keeled over dead 3 minutes later. Great visual?! The explanation behind this amazing feat, was that he did not see himself as "being on fire", so much as he had "become the fire." It was disturbing and fascinating at the same time.

Killing

Now we were on a roll. The class suddenly came to life as the mood shifted from sedated after a 45 minute meditation, to rapt attention. "If we eat something that someone else killed, is that OK", asked another member of the class. "What if the person killed an animal to feed his family? Does that bring demerit (the opposite of the coveted merit)", chimed in someone else. The leader was both thrilled to have this much activity and overwhelmed by the response. As the conversation continued, we found out that killing a fly, while not preferred, is less damaging than killing another animal which ranked higher on the evolutionary ladder. Not surprisingly, killing a monk was the absolute worst offense you could make in your life. "What about monks who set themselves on fire", asked someone. Suddenly the room became silent. We waited for the answer...

The 5 precepts

How do you live a righteous life? Apparently there are a minimum of 5 precepts to guide you. After quizing some of the long term members on what the 5 were, and getting partial answers, the leader stepped in. "OK", she said, "The five are; killing, lying, improper sexual behavior, use of intoxicants, and ...hmmm, what was that last one? Oh yeah stealing." "No beer?", I asked. "Yes", "no alcohol", she responded. I wasn't about to ask for a clarification on improper sexual behavior, and luckily someone took up the conversation with a focus on killing. "Does that mean we should be vegetarians?" This was going to be an interesting conversation!

Reincarnation

Last meeting I noticed we were back to the original venerable. Apparently there is a rotation, a certain venerable reincarnation, back from wherever they go. I'd also noticed that the half-lotus had become my position of choice. This was the preference for serious meditators, and backed by the Buddha himself. Why shouldn't I follow suit? As we began the guided meditation my cell phone went off. Luckily it was on vibrate, but even the soundless buzz, was like a gun had gone off. I groaned inwardly and quickly, soundlessly, shoved it under my meditation chair hoping the thick cushion would silence any future noise. Sadly I was mistaken, as another call came through. The muffled buzz now had the qualities of an alarm clock instead of a gun, but the damage was done. Red faced, I sat silently waiting or the session to finish with no hope of trying to reenter the meditative state. " No more phones in the future," I silently recited instead of the mantra. Hopefully there would be a next time, assuming the group hadn't decided to ban me from future events.

What comes after meditation

So after I was putting my meditation chair away, the leader mentioned a few of the group were getting together for dinner after class. "Really?", I questioned. "Where?" The leader responded with the name of a popular wings and beer chain in the area. Somehow this did not jive with my preconceived ideas about where a serious meditation student would eat, but I wasn't about to complain.
     As we sat around the table and placed our drink orders, I noticed I was the only one who ordered an alcoholic beverage. Oh, yeah, it's in the Buddhist precepts, that you should not take intoxicants, since it ruins your meditation. Not off to a good start...

Seventh Group

 
    "We are having an English speaking venerable tonight", cheered the leader. "But first I have a handout to help prepare questions for the venerable after the meditation." I scanned the article which was about some of the more mystical elements of meditation and previous/next lives and then prepared for the meditation. The venerable walked down the carpet to the podium, bowed to the statue of the Buddha and took his seat facing the class. His English was so-so, and he occasionally required translation from some members, but the guided instructions were quite clear. As I folded myself into the half lotus position, straightened my back and took a deep breath, I noticed my body was becoming accustomed to this posture. The myriad aches and pains were either gone, or had decreased in intensity. As a drifted deeper into the meditative state, I found myself again searching for light, but it was going to be difficult yet again.

1

It's getting weird

Back again in the US, it's time for the sixth group meeting I've attended. The leader, until now, has managed to focus on the benefits of meditation without getting too mystical. Tonight however, things are about to change. It begins with alternate universes, being able to see the past, seeing your past lives and the reincarnation rules. If you are bad in this life, you might, at worst, come back as a spirit without a body, and an ugly, scary one at that. We hear a little about super powers of the monks. The ability of the Buddha to describe the size of the atom and other observations. 
     On a less mystical note, I have made some observations as well. Since the last meeting I have done a little research, and found the photos which are routinely snapped as we are meditating are showing up on facebook. Wow, its me, meditating. Why am I hunched over? I need to work on my posture.

Singapore

After the plane trip I settled into life in my hotel room in Singapore. Here I was, the other side of the world, putting my clothes away and contemplating meditation. I leaned my back against the bed, crossed my legs and went through my steps to reach a meditative state. The long plane ride and thoughts about the days ahead, didn't make it easy, but I did garner some satisfaction from the practice. You know you are committed when you are willing to meditate on a business trip.

Plane Meditation

Since my failed attempt to see light at the last group meditation, I had tried to make progress at home. No luck. I was also preparing for a week long trip to Singapore. I would have to try meditating away from group and home. My first attempt was on the plane. Normally, I would have had a few drinks, taken an Ambien and fallen to sleep. This time I lightly closed my eyes and walked through my steps to enter a deeper meditative state. My progress wasn't bad, but not as good as my group results.

5th Group

The afterglow of the light experience stayed with me all week. I was excited to head back to class to try again. Unfortunately I didn't get close at all. I tried all sorts of tricks to slip into the meditative state including trying to visualize the light without success. I was struck by something one of the guides had mentioned at a prior class. "The more you try to create a certain experience, the more it eludes you". This was definitely the case this time, but my attempts to relax and let whatever happens, happen, did not work.

Light

It was during the meditation session with the shy, or not so shy, abbot, that I experienced something unusual. As I proceeded through the usual stages of my mind wandering, my breathing slowing, and the images flashing through my mind without control, I noticed the frequency of my distractions slowing. My body seemed swollen or fuzzy, at times I felt like I was falling, almost about to fall asleep. Then I had a sensation of warmth, and a vision of a landscape with extremely, almost painfully, bright light. But then a sensation of extreme happiness, perhaps joy, came over me. Before I knew it, it was gone, as if someone had removed the spot light that was temporarily focused on me. A chill came over my body, "what was that"? I could not return to my meditative state. I was too focused on what had just happened. This was definitely strange. Something karmic? Otherworldly? No, but it was a sign to me that I had made some kind of transition in my mind, at least temporarily. My next thought was could I do it again?

Go Deeper

As the Abbot continued talking his intensity increased. He urged us to go beyond relaxation, to explore the deeper aspects of meditation. Pratice, practice, practice. As he continued building on all the components of meditation we were struck by the transformation from shy Abbot shuffling down the room, to the person urging us to "go beyond". Finally he stopped, looked around sheepishly and apologized for going over the allotted time. Not without another discussion on merit. Here we go again.

The shy abbot

     There seems to be some nervous tension in the room. The leader draws out some more discussion while glancing around nervously and commenting that the abbot is expected any minute now. Finally he shuffles in slowly, moves to the stage up front and quietly sits in the half lotus position. Apparently this is his last week at this site, and he usually does not perform guided meditation. Was he nervous, or was it my imagination? He walked us through the paces of guided and then silent meditation and then it was question and answer time again. "Why do you meditate?", he asked. Was this a rhetorical question, or was he looking for an answer? I now knew even if he was expecting an answer, it wasn't going to be me. He continued on, and I was glad I had kept quiet. This time, it was less questions and more teaching. He seemed to be ramping up. This shy abbot had a lot on his mind he wanted to share.

Fourth Group

I'm finding myself in an interesting predicament. I'm late for class. So many conflicting thoughts on this topic. Rushing to meditate, is that inherently wrong? Should I calmly walk to class and disturb everyone with my entrance, or hurry, out of breath and enter in a non-meditative state? I decide to rush, maybe I'll hit the tail end of stretching. As I enter I see we have finished stretching and I scan the crowd looking for a seat. Hmmm, there is one up front. Oh well.
      AS I sit down, we are talking about one thousand one hundred and twenty seven monks who are travelling through Thailand as part of the healing process from the tsunami. I hear them referred to as the eleven-twentyseven, and my mind flashes back to a tv show called the 44 hundred. I am broken from my reverie by someone asking if there is significance to the number of monks. "No", says the leader. "I don't think so". So we wait on the abbot to begin the guided meditation....

Meditative Engineer...Oxymoron?

Eventually I came back to the title of "Meditative Engineer...Oxymoron?" Testing the idea that engineers, the more applied straight laced version of physicists, chemists and the like, would be open minded enough to try meditation. Forget the mystical astral projection component, could we still our brains long enough to give meditation a try, and what would be the result. Thus, the experiment began.

Blog research

As I was doing my blogging research and trying to come up with a name and format, I worked on merging engineering with meditation. I came up with a page and a half of puns, word mash-ups and technico-metaphysical words. "An engineer's guide to meditation" (boring) "Meditation: An engineer's lab experiment" (geeky, boring and too long) "The meditation Project" (yawn overused) Mantra Engineer (better, but what is the blog about) and of course a few portmanteu words; Mengineer, Engitation, Meditationeer and others. My favorite, was unfortunately taken by a blogger with the title The Engineering Chick and was called "Finding your Ohm, meditation for engineers".

The decision to blog

As I realized I was in this for the long haul, and wanted to chart my progress (or lack of it) I thought this might make a great first attempt at a blog. I had been wanting to start a blog, but couldn't find anything I was passionate about to write daily or even weekly, until now! Of course I ran through the usual questions, "Is anyone else doing this? What would be a good name? How do you build a blog? What sites are best? What does it cost?" There were lots of great sites to help me understand the different platforms. Lots of recommendations about blogging, "keep it short and sweet", "keep the name descriptive", "link to other sites", "blog frequently". I also enjoyed researching other meditation blogs. More on that next post.

Daily Practice

By this point I was trying to practice at home. The only time that worked was early in the morning before the kids got up for school. It was only 10 minutes, but it was quiet and I was motivated to make the time work. The problem, as I found out, was that I could not obtain the same lightness at the end of meditation that I felt when in the group. It wasn't just a matter of meditation time. On some Saturdays I meditated for almost an hour. It was better than the 10 minute stints, but still not as good as group meditation. I was frustrated as to what I was missing, but thankful that I still had good group experiences.

youtube venerable

After the discussion about merit, the leader connected her laptop to a large flat screen tv and proceeded to a youtube site for a presentation by an orange robed venerable. As he came into view, speaking with a slightly british accent, I pondered the irony of the youtube venerable. Somehow presenting the wisdom of the ages through the internet didn't seem quite right, but it was an interesting approach.
    After the class I again chatted with the newbie I saw at the beginning of class. "What did you think?", I asked. She responded that she enjoyed it and would probably be back. A voice behind me said "I think Karl will be back again as well". He was right. Like last time, the bounce in my step, the lightness of my being, it was present again. Still leaving happier than when I started.

Noise

One thing became apparent, there was no New Year's resolution rush. New people came and went, but the class size remained the same...small. I also noticed how critical it was to keep extremely quiet. There was hardly a sound from anyone. Imagine a group of people who did not cough, sneeze, snore or rustle as they shifted their body.
     As class ended the leader asked the group "why do you meditate?". A couple veterans provided answers that seemed almost to meet expectations. I shot up my hand and replied, "to be present", and got a disapproving look from the leader. Apparently newbies were not supposed to provide answers yet. The correct answer to the question was "merit". Huh? The purpose of meditation is to get brownie points? I clearly didn't understand.

Third Group

Again we went through the paces, stretching, guided meditation and silent meditation. I was able to reconcile my happy place/small spiky sun with the two finger widths above the navel with some creative imagery. The small spikey sun would float in front of me, then traverse the 7 bases to rest in the "center". I then brought the happy place image into view as the landscape the sun would reside in, which was in the two "finger widths" location. As I figured out this puzzle, I did notice a deeper sense of relaxation which implied I was on the right track

Commitment

So after the second group, I took the plunge. For a nominal fee, I joined the group for a year. Paying on-line with my pay-pal account, seemed a little impersonal, but it was quick and I had the feeling of commitment. When meditation day arrived, I was excited and in an experimental mind set. The bleacher seat chairs were causing my back to ache. I decided to bring a small pillow to act as a lumbar support. Perhaps I could design meditation accessories? Has anyone come up with a meditation chair with a built in adjustable lumbar support? I was also excited to see some new faces, fresh beginners. I had to bite my tongue not to eagerly strike up a conversation and ask too many probing questions. I would leave this to the professionals.

Happy Endings

As we finished the question and answer session, packed up and left the building, I was again struck by the relaxed, lighter than air feeling. Two for two. I had to come back a third time, perhaps I was hooked? Still, I felt I had only scratched the surface. Something was telling me there was more than just relieving the stress of the day. Exactly what, I didn't know yet.

Next Question Please

Finally someone asked another question. "I have wondered.... you know how you can cut a worm in half and it can regenerate into two worms...does it have one soul, or two?" The venerable paused, gave an odd look and then responded. "Why do you worry about such questions?" "Your focus should be on proper mediation". He paused again and answered, "one soul". I liked this guy. Practical. He may have been wearing an orange robe, sitting in the half lotus position, but he seemed to have his head on straight.

Question and Answer Venerable Style

Now the floor was open for questions. Silence echoed through the room. Maybe this was normal for a meditation group, but I thought I would get the questions going. I raised my hand. A translator converted my words into either the ancient language of Pali, or maybe Thai. "I am having trouble focusing for any length of time on keeping my mind still, any suggestions?" And there you had it, the classic beginners question. You hear it over and over and over. Still he answered me sincerely. "You have not found an object you are comfortable focusing on. Your mind is not still." So my take-away for this night was to revisit my "happy place" and reconcile the meditation place/object and the recommended center two finger widths above the navel. Finally another question was raised...

Introductions

We were warned that the "Venerable" (buddhist monk) would be guiding the meditation and there would be a question and answer period afterwards. Since he did not speak English, only Pali and Thai, another member would translate. This gave it a far more mystical and weighty edge. As we proceeded through the guided meditation first in Pali, then in English, I was confronted with a dilemma. We were told to think of a "happy place" to focus our thoughts, and place our focus on a round object within the "happy place", preferably a crystal ball. I chose a small spiky sun about the size of my fist. We were also told to focus our awareness on a spot two finger widths above the navel. Here was the conflict, I was having trouble concentrating on the sun and two finger widths above the navel. It was like trying to focus on an object in front and behind you at the same time. I gave up on the stomach and focused on the meditation. Next would come question and answer period.

"Good Evening" said the guy in the orange robe

     A week later I headed back to the class. I removed my shoes, walked inside and was startled by a man in an orange robe who politely said, "Good Evening". I replied "Good Evening" back, and walked into the meditation hall. I looked for more orange robes. Perhaps I didn't get the memo on the new dress code? No, there were no orange robes, just the same group as last time. As we started preparing for meditation, I kept a wary eye out for the orange robes. It was going to take an introduction before I would see any arrive.

The decision to go back

     Why wouldn't I go back? I left happier than when I arrived. I didn't spend any money, take any medicine, or have a drink. While the feeling I left with didn't last more than a couple hours, I was looking forward to the next visit. Could I repeat the effect, extend it, or realize some additional benefit? I added the time to my google calendar and clicked the repeat setting.

Dedication

     After the guided meditation, there was silence. My mind screamed for action. Images flashed through my brain trying to find a home. Slowly, the level of activity in my mind decreased and I found small pockets of calm. Before I knew it, the guide requested us to open our eyes. I slowly unlocked my stiff legs, moved my body back into position and glanced around the room. People seemed to be going through the same motions as myself. Waking from a dream.
      As I was coming back to the present, a funny thought ran through my mind. I pictured my wife asking, "Did you make any friends at meditation?". My response was "uh, don't know. They don't seem to talk much." My thoughts were interrupted by the moderator announcing that there was a video of a monk talking about meditation. She gave us some background which included that she had copied this at her mom's house, but her mom stressed her out and she only made a few copies. Her Mom stresses her out? Wait, I thought meditation made you stress free? I sensed a flaw.
      Still, as I put my shoes on and walked towards my car, I felt lighter, happier. Could this be? How long would it last? I knew then that I would be back next week and probably the week after that.

Orange Flower

Sit or half- lotus?

     As I pondered the seating options, I felt myself leaning towards one of the bleacher seats. Wasn't sitting in a chair cheating? Was I going to get the full experience? Suddenly the group got up and we were led in a series of stretches in preparation for sitting. I knew the class went from 7 to 8:30, hopefully we wouldn't be meditating that long! As we sat back down again, new attendees were asked to give a name, if they had meditated, and why they were interested in meditating. I mentioned my solo bookworm attempts at meditation, dropped the name "Charlotte Joko Beck" (no response) and told the class that I was hoping a group environment might bring greater progress.
      After an introduction into this group's method of meditation, and a few pointers on how to focus and still the mind, I struggled with the best sitting position for the long haul, "do I wrap my legs up like a pretzel and try half lotus, or maybe something simpler?". I ended up chickening out on the half lotus attempt, closed my eyes and began to listen to the guided meditation.

First Group, the full experience

As I pulled in the parking lot, I did a quick look around and found someone walking towards the entrance. I played follow the leader and watched as he took of his shoes, entered the building and walked into a large carpeted hall with a stage in the front. A large golden Buddha sat in the center of the stage, and I was surprised, because he seemed rather trim, with more of a smirk, or knowing smile, instead of the fat laughing Buddha you see at Chinese restaurants. About 15 people were scattered around the hall amongst chairs and small seats without legs almost like the seats people bring to sporting events for the bleachers. Obviously, these were some kind of meditation chair.

First Group

Since my individual meditation attempts were not progressing well, I decided on group meditation. Luckily on my commute to work I passed a meditation center. After years of wondering what went on inside, I decided I needed to find out. One try couldn't hurt? I researched the organization on the web, found pictures of people meditating who looked "normal" and only a few orange robes in the background. They met once a week in the evening after work. I set the next meeting on my calendar, cleared my schedule and informed my family.

Zen Habits

After my dip into the Joko books, I decided to expand my horizons and check the web. I researched meditation techniques and after a while settled on the weekly updates from a blog called Zen Habits , by Leo Babauta. This created a great rabbit hole of bloggers whose various perspectives and subjects kept me busy for quite a while. Still, I made little progress in my individual pursuit of meditation's benefits.

A year ago I was lying in bed bored at my parents house and on the nightstand was "Nothing Special" by Charlotte Joko Beck. A rather spartan book on zen meditation, it still had some thoughts I found interesting. Later I picked up her other book "Everyday Zen" which continued to focus on "work, work, work" to gain some incremental improvement though meditation. If there every was a Drill Sargent of meditation, she would fit the role. Still, I liked her simple dogged focus on meditation, and her descriptions of the games our mind plays on us, seemed to resonate with me.

Meditative Engineer || Oxymoron?:

Meditative Engineer || Oxymoron?:

How did I get here?

So, how did this all start? I had been curious about meditation for awhile, but I had noticed that as I aged, my stress sensitivity had gotten worse, not better. None of my various attempts to decrease the level of general anxiety seemed to be working. Exercise, alcohol, self help books, nothing seemed to be making a dent. Then, a curious book showed up.

So, some background. This blog chronicles my journey to explore meditation and monitor the results. The title, which I will get to in a minute, is a humorous attempt to merge the straight laced world of my engineering background with the mystical perceptions surrounding meditation. Is it a homogeneous mixture, or will the two worlds collide?